Friday, February 25, 2005

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend

Part Two:

Question:

Do you have to actually catch fish to be called a fisherman, and is it simply enough to stand over a small hole on a frozen lake holding a short stick and freezing your nuts off? Or, are you more of a fisherman if you don't outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb and just lie about it later?

Monday, February 21, 2005

A fishing pole is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool on the other

Part one:

I have returned from the Near-Artic none worse for wear, but with a fish story to tell.

The adventure started at about 4:00pm on Friday at Canadian Tire cause if you want to fish in Ontario you need a fishing license, a so called "Outdoors Card" issued by the Ministry of Natural resources and always available at CT.

The card has five spots on the back for your annual sticker, but needs to be renewed and replaced every three years at a cost of 6 dollars. I know what your thinking, why put five sticker spots on a card that needs to be replaced every three?. Eddie, from Not too Serious really needed to know the answer to that question so he called the Ministry from Canadian Tire. The Ministry rep explained that the doubles as a hunting license, which also needs an annual sticker, which of course would mean it should have six sticker spots, but that's another post and I'll leave it to Eddie to post it. God it was funny, especially since my card expired in 2003, yet I have the 2004 and 2005 stickers glued to the back, but I didn't wait until the last minute to renew. I did it earlier in the day.

So with fishing licenses in hand we headed north. Next stop, Casino Rama. It's kind of tradition. We stop in, lose a few bucks, sort of an offering to the First Nations for the fish we hope to take from what was up to a few hundred years ago, their lake. Well if my winning ways didn't carry into the casino. I won $133 on the first machine I sat at. Ethics and Eddie didn't fair so well. I continued to win, they won a little, I lost a few, then won some more.

All in all I think we were all up a little when we decided to leave and continue our trek north. Except Ethics said something about a system and a roulette table. A SYSTEM! Okay, Eddie and I said, lets see it. We tried to goat him into playing. He refused. We called him a pussy for about five minutes. He refused. We told him we'd put up the money. He played. Actually it was Eddie who sat at the table, but we decided to use Ethic's SYSTEM.

We started with $30. We put $15 on Red ($15 was the minimum). We won 2 to 1. Ethics said now bet black so Eddie bet black. I have to tell you I wasn't all that damned impressed when red came up again. Okay so we're back to what we started with. Ethic's said now bet black and then rambled on about probability. Red again! Okay his system wasn't worth shit. We decided to each play a number with our last $15. I played 9. I always play 9. Damn it's a 6. No wait. Are there 91 spots on that wheel? No there is not. That's not a 6, it's a a 9, that's 35 to 1. Oh what a feeling.

We cashed in our chips, split the money and headed out the door.

Steak diner. I needed a steak diner.

If you are ever in Huntsville Ontario, and are in need of a fantastic place to eat. I would recommend a little Pub called Michelle's on the main street. It was a small, owner operated joint with one guy behind the bar, one guy in the kitchen and a woman with a guitar. The food was amazing. (the best antipasto plate I've ever seen). I would also recommend the local micro-brew they had on tap. My steak was perfect. The shrimp that accompanied my steak were perfect, but they forgot to bring out butter for my mashed potatoes. The owner then returned from the kitchen and apologized that there was no more butter to be had, but would garlic butter be okay. Oh baby would it. Damn good meal.

We arrived, quite stuffed at our destination about two hours latter. With nothing better to do we decided to get drunk immediately. Which we did, and did well might I add.

By the way. The Scotch worked. It worked really well.

End of part one.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Tomorrow I set out for what will be my very first ice fishing trip. I, along with Bloggers Ethics gone Bad and Not too Serious will venture out onto a frozen, northern Ontario Lake, drill a hole in the ice and sit for hours hoping to catch our limit. To tell you the truth, there is an uneasy claim about me as I prepare for this adventure.

Don't get me wrong, I am an outdoorsy guy. I've served in the army, albeit the Canadian army, but nevertheless I've done winter indoctrination training in the far north in February. It's just that this time I am completely unprepared. First of all, there is a 30 minute snow-mobile drive to the fish hut. Okay that in and of itself is not a big deal, but me and Ethics will be wearing open face motorcycle helmets. Burrrrrr! Then there is the hours of waiting for the damn fish in a 8x8 uninsulated hut in the middle of a frozen lake, and I only have hiking boots for footwear, which is actually one better than Ethics' Doc Martins. Double Burrrr!. Not to mention I don't own snowpants. I will have several layers of underwear, which should keep my balls from falling off, I'm just not too sure about my nose, fingers and toes.

The only thing that is going to be keeping my warm is the 15 year old companion I will be bringing with me. Before you all get in a huff of misunderstanding I am referring to a 15 year old single malt scotch. A Sherry Cast Maccallan of which I shall enjoy every drop.

So wish me luck. I'll fucking need it!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Looking For Love

I have a client. Let's call him "Tim". Tim has been a client for about four and a half years and in that time he has been engaged to about three different woman. Tim is about 6 foot, rather good shape (a runner I think). The girls at the front counter of the bank think he's good looking. So what's wrong with Tim that he can't keep a girlfriend?

Now Tim doesn't seem to be hard to get along with, in fact he seems to be a very giving person. Unfortunately for Tim and to quote a Shrek song lyric, "the more I gave, the less I got, oh ya!".

Yes, Tim is a sucker! He's so nice he drives women away, but not before they take advantage of him for a while.

His last girlfriend took him for a bundle. Their new truck, an F150, was bought by him but put in her name. After the break up she got the truck, he got the 500/month payment. I set him straight on that one. I wonder how long it will take Ford Credit to come for her truck?

So there is no question that Tim is simply looking for love and he's willing to pay a premium for it.

But Tim has a new plan. The other night on TV he watched a show on a service that matches Russian women looking for husbands, and well, guys like Tim. The website he showed me as he explained his plan is Russianladies.com

As Tim navigated me through the cite, the one thing that really stuck out in my mind, right after "Oh my gawd these woman are hot" was "oh my gawd, all these women are very well educated, professional and are very likely going to eat Tim alive." But, the more I thought about the more I thought Tim may actually find what he is looking for. A wife to love, start a family and to grow old with. Not that Tim is a good judge of character, but he very well may find a woman that is looking for the same.

So I would like everyone to join me in wishing Tim good luck and safe trip. He leaves for the Ukraine next month.






Thursday, February 03, 2005

That's the way John Wayne would have done it!

There is a new company policy at the office. That, in and of itself is not uncommon. There are new policies every week.

HOWEVER. Actually, let me set this up a little.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, the boy and the girl meet me at my office after school. The boy has karate those nights so it works out well. I get to leave early and he gets to eat before his class. But past few weeks have been really busy and I haven't been exactly done when they got to my office.

Now, just outside my office is a waiting area with a TV/VCR and a few movies for kids to watch. The other day was one of the days I wasn't exactly finished so I had the boy and the girl watch a movie. No problem right? Well, you don't know the boy.

The boy decides he needs to use the washroom as soon as he arrives. I have no problem with that, It's the first thing he always does. I go back into my office to finish up with the client. Little was I aware that the boy never actually made it to the washroom, nor had he ever made it, except the first time. That was the time he discovered the lunchroom full of leftover treats from the previous nights after-work function. Every time after that he was just looking for food like a starving bear cub. On the way back to the office upon discovering there was no food, the boy would stop and talk to everyone whether or not they wanted to be talked too, or rather talked at!

Anyway, the new policy is that if any staff members kids need to be at the office they are not allowed to walk about (because the boy was walking about). They are not allowed to watch the TV (because the boy had it turned up sooooo loud) and they are not allowed in the fridge.

That last one made me wonder. At least until I found out why that policy needed to be implemented. You see the boy was thirsty. He didn't want a drink of water so he decided see what was in the staff fridge. All the time is was under the watchful eye of the new girl.

This must have been his thought process:

Hmmm, soda pop. Not sure if I like that brand. Better take a drink from the bottle to find out. Don't like that one, no problem, there's another bottle. I better try that one too. Yummy. I'll pour a big glass. What's this. Arousal whip-cream. I wonder if it's still good. Better try it to see. Hmmm, I don't want to dirty any more dishes, I better just spray it in my mouth. Yummy. I bet this would be good on my pop........

And that is why there is a new policy.